Domestic Violence

Let's talk violence. Specifically, violence against women and children. I'm just going to jump right in with some detailed stuff, so if you're sensitive to it, if it might trigger you, you're probably better off just skipping this post completely. I apologize in advance for typos - this is a very emotional topic.

When I was 5, I heard my parents fighting. It woke me up. I ran down the hall to figure out what was going on. I walked into my parents bedroom to see my father pinning my mother to the bed by her throat and choking her. She looked at me, terrified. I screamed, my dad yelled at me to get back in bed.

He was angry. His crystal blue eyes full of rage and hate.

** You should know that even writing about this is causing me to stim quite badly. I'm sitting next to The Roomie, wondering if he notices my subtle rocking or if he sees my hand flap and my twitching. I'm also running my hand through my hair and scratching my head. I can't look around me. Netflix is playing one of my favorite shows - Numb3rs. Our AC is out today so the management at the apartment complex gave us fans to use till tomorrow. They're noisy.**

When I was 6, my aunt got married. My grandmother made me a gorgeous pink lacy dress. I loved the dresses she made me, they were just uncomfortable to wear. Dresses always were. Anyway, on the way home from the wedding, my father insisted on stopping at the package store (liquor store in other regions). My mother drove off when he went inside. She drove home with me & my little brothers, while I cried in the backseat for my daddy, scared that he'd never come home, not knowing that he knew the way, not knowing that he could make a phone call.

He made it home and he was there when I got up in the morning. I remember I didn't sleep well that night. I woke up the next day feeling very raw from the events of the night before.

They fought all the time. I would see my dad pin my mom to the wall and choke her all the time. He shoved her constantly, screamed all the time. She'd scream, too. She would rake her fingernails down her face whenever they'd fight, causing deep scratches and bleeding. When their fights would end, I would go into her room and console her. I did this from the time I was in kindergarten, at least, all the way until I married at age 19 and again as an adult when I've been present for their arguments.

Once, I watched as my father scooped my 2 yr old brother up by one arm and spanked him. He was still in diapers. I remember seeing him dangle by one arm. My brother was so tiny and fragile.

He'd spank us all till we were bruised and couldn't sit down from the pain. I remember being 15 year old and having bruises on my thighs, buttocks, and lower back. Again, at age 18, he tried to spank me with a paddle. I went limp and refused to allow myself to be assaulted. My mother came in the room screaming at me that it was my fault, why couldn't I just do what he asked.

Newsflash: He told me to go look for a specific paper. It was not where he INSISTED it was. No, when he came in the room to look himself, it was clear across the room. But he still tried to assault me. And then my mother blamed me for it all. He shoved her that day. That was the first time in years that I'd seen him shove her. He'd stopped drinking when I was 10 and stopped being physically abusive. The emotional & mental abuse & manipulation carries on to this day, however.

My mother was really no better. She took her anger out on me. Over the years, she'd pull my hair and leave giant knots on my head, and once she jabbed me in the back with the handle of an aluminum broom. The cap had come off the end and it was rough. It cut me. Another time she slammed my head into the wall. And she's kicked me and hit me.

She never treated my brothers that way. They got disciplined and beat, but my father was harder on them than he was on me and my mother was harder on me than she was on them.

One brother (the dangling 2 yr old) was always the favorite. He knows this and he hates it.  I speak for all of us when I say we hold no anger or animosity toward The Favorite. He didn't choose that position.

I don't remember all of my abuse. I don't remember my siblings' abuse. I just know it was a lot of anger, a lot of hitting, and a lot of hatred in our household.

Abuse continues throughout your life. Unless those who abused you change their ways, and you get yourself some DAMN good therapy, you will always be left feeling less of a person because of things they say or do.

I'm in my mid 30s and I still feel stupid when I'm around my dad. I still feel like I can never do good enough for my mother.

I'm very, very lucky. I married a man who was not exposed to abuse. Many women grow up and perpetuate the cycle, some not even realizing that they can have better lives.

I have to be honest, though.... Parenting has presented a huge challenge I did not anticipate. When my kids have a bad day, or a meltdown, or a rude remark, my first instinct is to slap the brat right off their faces. Show them who's in charge, who's boss.

That's intense. And it's extremely stressful to struggle with. I don't want to be the mean mom. I don't want my daughter to EVER feel like she can never do good enough for me. I don't want her to EVER think I hate her. Over the years I've struggled with how I deal with her. I never wanted a daughter because I didn't want a relationship w/ her that was anything like the one my mother had with me.

She's10 years old now and it scares me to think that I HAVE had issues parenting her. I HAVE fallen into similar patterns of treatment toward my kids that my mother did with us. I try to be different for her. I try to be different for me. We deserve a good relationship with each other.

I'm just glad The Husband is my balance. And I hope my daughter knows how much I love her and how much I would do for her. I have a lot of trouble showing it to all of my kids. I was not shown affection and love and, as someone on the Autism Spectrum, I have trouble expressing myself and with things like touch. I tell my daughter, "I forget about hugs. Come to me when you want one." And I try to be good to her as often as I can remember.

I don't want my kids dealing with the same issues I did growing up. They deserve so much better.

There is much MUCH more to my story and domestic violence, but it's exhausted me and I can't continue tonight.

Please protect yourselves and your children. Don't go back to your abuser the way so many have done. You do not have the right to put your children in that position. If you go back to the abuser, you are an accomplice in the abuse he inflicts on the children.

If you're in a situation that is abusive, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline via their facebook page, their main website, or their phone number: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

There will be much more on this topic. There's more to say, more to share, more to dismantle.


**EDIT: The Husband is taking me for a drive. I need to get out of the house after today. The AC being out really messed me up and then I wrote this post, so I'm all kinds of a wreck right now. I'm glad I have him. He's good for me.