A Nutshell Version of How We Escaped

We moved in with my parents to help them out. We were under the impression that they needed help around the house, but it wasn't quite as much as I'd initially thought. We also figured that living near other family members who are also JW would be beneficial. The scripture at Proverbs 27:17 states: By iron, iron itself is sharpened. So one man sharpens the face of another. (NWT)

I was under a lot of stress trying to maintain my household and my parents, even though they did not ask me to do that. I wanted to please everyone and make everyone happy, and I ended up overwhelmed with it all and I had a mental breakdown. 

Over the next several months, our meeting attendance dropped off dramatically because I was still so very anxious much of the time and our field service was completely gone. We hadn't done that in 2-3 years anyway, because we got sick of being assigned a road to work by ourselves. A family of 5, sent to work a street or 2 alone, with no other adult wanting to work with us, nobody to help with the kids. We got sick of dragging all 3 kids to every door. It's unreasonable. And what person would like to answer their door to 5 people preaching the bible to them?? That's nutty.

We consider the Memorial of 2011 to be our last meeting as a family. I did go one more time when it was announced that my dad was disfellowshipped (no longer considered a JW). We moved out of my parents house in July 2011 and have been to no meetings in our new city.

How we go to this point took a very long time. I'd been questioning since Thing 2 was born (2001) and then in 2005 we'd begun fading, though not consciously. We kept trying to "do better spiritually" over the years, but it was just too much to deal with. Too much guilt! We were constantly told to "do more" for Jehovah and that we had to preach God's word in order to earn Jehovah's mercy and earn salvation through Jesus, despite the fact that it's taught by EVERY Christian religion that Jesus death was a GIFT for ALL mankind. 

Sometime in 2007 or 2008 my brother & his family left and I found out that my aunt & her family left. She didn't say anything for a  long time because she knows what a scene it would have been (from my mother) if she spoke up and came out about it.

Because my family left ahead of me, it was further evidence to me that we would also leave. I've spoken with all of them about things we disliked before any of us left. I feel like they paved the way for me to leave.

Some of the changes that bothered me or made me wonder were:

1) Change in blood doctrine (can not take whole blood but allowed to take fractions, despite long held teaching that we were to ABSTAIN from blood)

2) Study edition of the Watchtower (What are they trying to hide form the public?)

3) Reduced number of Awake magazines (are they failing as a company?)

4) No more bookstudy (taught for years that this would be the only connection we'd have w/ other congregants during Armageddon, only meeting I made some weeks)

5) Institution of Family Worship Night (families encouraged to have a family study night already, so now we have 2?? I seriously doubted most families would even bother with this)

6) New Song Book (not a big deal, you would think, but the songs are monotonous and they drone on. Very  hypnotic melodies now. Not lively.)

The last 5 changes happened within a 2 year period and I was suspicious of so many changes in such quick succession.

Currently, only my mother & my in laws (3 people) are still in. My mother is aware of our change of beliefs, I suspect the in laws are, as well, but it's not spoken of. Occasionally The Husband & his sibling discuss various things on a very superficial level and it appears that his sib might be on a similar path to us.

So we made it out as a family. Others we know have not been so lucky. We celebrated holidays this year even though it was hard on us both. I wanted to do it, though, so we'd rip off the bandaid, so to speak, and be done with it.

February is our first Valentine's Day. I'm going to buy some for Thing 2 to share with her class and I'm looking forward to it. I don't know what The Husband & I will do for the holiday. 

I feel sort of bad for The Roomie.... he has nobody! His first Valentine's Day and he's all aloooone! *sob* :p Anyone out there want to be his girlfriend? He'll probably laugh at me when he reads this. LOL 

Salt & Vinegar Chips have arrived!!!!

I got my chips! :D They arrived on Tuesday from the lovely Mom-Pinion!! Thank you, mama!!!

I ate a whole bag & a half in one day. I am hanging my head in shame for eating them that quickly. LOL Ok, ok, I SHARED, but still! In one day?! Come on, Ember.... Get it together.

I can't find these in my state so the fact that someone was kind enough to mail me 2 bags from North Carolina is pretty significant. And I ate them so quickly. *sigh*

That said, they were DELICIOUS!!!!!!

See this nice little note she wrote me on the box? Squee!

And the delicious, vinegary GOODNESS!!!!

SOPA & PIPA

Before you read my rant below, it would be good if you read up on what it's about, first. Both of those links are well put together and easy to understand.

What Is SOPA?
Why SOPA Is Dangerous

This country was built on freedom and liberty. Freedom is defined as: The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. Liberty is defined as: The state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one’s way of life.

While this country was built on those things, there are laws in place to protect us, as well. You do not have the freedom to murder someone, for example, or to take something that does not belong to you. There are also laws against things like child pornography. These laws are for our protection. They are good for us.

PIPA & SOPA do not protect the American Public. What they do is stop freedom. They stop access to information. They stop allowing people to think for themselves and make their own decisions on what they should or should not do.

These bills are nothing but censorship, which, if you haven’t got a dictionary available, is the practice of officially examining books, movies, etc., and suppressing unacceptable parts. This treads dangerously close to brainwashing. Brainwashing is defined as making someone adopt radically different beliefs by using systematic and forcible pressure.

By putting these into effect, this government is trying to think FOR me by suppressing what it deems unacceptable and then pushing me to accept their beliefs by forcible pressure. This is brainwashing through censorship.

You do not have the right to put a ‘kill switch’ on my freedom of information, on my right to free speech. YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT RIGHT.

The minute this country begins censorship by using a ‘kill switch’ for the internet is the minute this country turns it’s back on everything it allegedly stands for: Freedom.

The Declaration of Independence states the following:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.

What is WRONG with the government that they have lost sight of their own Declaration of Independence???



*** UPDATES ***
Obama Kills SOPA
PIPA & SOPA Co-Sponsors Abandon Bills

Domestic Violence

Let's talk violence. Specifically, violence against women and children. I'm just going to jump right in with some detailed stuff, so if you're sensitive to it, if it might trigger you, you're probably better off just skipping this post completely. I apologize in advance for typos - this is a very emotional topic.

When I was 5, I heard my parents fighting. It woke me up. I ran down the hall to figure out what was going on. I walked into my parents bedroom to see my father pinning my mother to the bed by her throat and choking her. She looked at me, terrified. I screamed, my dad yelled at me to get back in bed.

He was angry. His crystal blue eyes full of rage and hate.

** You should know that even writing about this is causing me to stim quite badly. I'm sitting next to The Roomie, wondering if he notices my subtle rocking or if he sees my hand flap and my twitching. I'm also running my hand through my hair and scratching my head. I can't look around me. Netflix is playing one of my favorite shows - Numb3rs. Our AC is out today so the management at the apartment complex gave us fans to use till tomorrow. They're noisy.**

When I was 6, my aunt got married. My grandmother made me a gorgeous pink lacy dress. I loved the dresses she made me, they were just uncomfortable to wear. Dresses always were. Anyway, on the way home from the wedding, my father insisted on stopping at the package store (liquor store in other regions). My mother drove off when he went inside. She drove home with me & my little brothers, while I cried in the backseat for my daddy, scared that he'd never come home, not knowing that he knew the way, not knowing that he could make a phone call.

He made it home and he was there when I got up in the morning. I remember I didn't sleep well that night. I woke up the next day feeling very raw from the events of the night before.

They fought all the time. I would see my dad pin my mom to the wall and choke her all the time. He shoved her constantly, screamed all the time. She'd scream, too. She would rake her fingernails down her face whenever they'd fight, causing deep scratches and bleeding. When their fights would end, I would go into her room and console her. I did this from the time I was in kindergarten, at least, all the way until I married at age 19 and again as an adult when I've been present for their arguments.

Once, I watched as my father scooped my 2 yr old brother up by one arm and spanked him. He was still in diapers. I remember seeing him dangle by one arm. My brother was so tiny and fragile.

He'd spank us all till we were bruised and couldn't sit down from the pain. I remember being 15 year old and having bruises on my thighs, buttocks, and lower back. Again, at age 18, he tried to spank me with a paddle. I went limp and refused to allow myself to be assaulted. My mother came in the room screaming at me that it was my fault, why couldn't I just do what he asked.

Newsflash: He told me to go look for a specific paper. It was not where he INSISTED it was. No, when he came in the room to look himself, it was clear across the room. But he still tried to assault me. And then my mother blamed me for it all. He shoved her that day. That was the first time in years that I'd seen him shove her. He'd stopped drinking when I was 10 and stopped being physically abusive. The emotional & mental abuse & manipulation carries on to this day, however.

My mother was really no better. She took her anger out on me. Over the years, she'd pull my hair and leave giant knots on my head, and once she jabbed me in the back with the handle of an aluminum broom. The cap had come off the end and it was rough. It cut me. Another time she slammed my head into the wall. And she's kicked me and hit me.

She never treated my brothers that way. They got disciplined and beat, but my father was harder on them than he was on me and my mother was harder on me than she was on them.

One brother (the dangling 2 yr old) was always the favorite. He knows this and he hates it.  I speak for all of us when I say we hold no anger or animosity toward The Favorite. He didn't choose that position.

I don't remember all of my abuse. I don't remember my siblings' abuse. I just know it was a lot of anger, a lot of hitting, and a lot of hatred in our household.

Abuse continues throughout your life. Unless those who abused you change their ways, and you get yourself some DAMN good therapy, you will always be left feeling less of a person because of things they say or do.

I'm in my mid 30s and I still feel stupid when I'm around my dad. I still feel like I can never do good enough for my mother.

I'm very, very lucky. I married a man who was not exposed to abuse. Many women grow up and perpetuate the cycle, some not even realizing that they can have better lives.

I have to be honest, though.... Parenting has presented a huge challenge I did not anticipate. When my kids have a bad day, or a meltdown, or a rude remark, my first instinct is to slap the brat right off their faces. Show them who's in charge, who's boss.

That's intense. And it's extremely stressful to struggle with. I don't want to be the mean mom. I don't want my daughter to EVER feel like she can never do good enough for me. I don't want her to EVER think I hate her. Over the years I've struggled with how I deal with her. I never wanted a daughter because I didn't want a relationship w/ her that was anything like the one my mother had with me.

She's10 years old now and it scares me to think that I HAVE had issues parenting her. I HAVE fallen into similar patterns of treatment toward my kids that my mother did with us. I try to be different for her. I try to be different for me. We deserve a good relationship with each other.

I'm just glad The Husband is my balance. And I hope my daughter knows how much I love her and how much I would do for her. I have a lot of trouble showing it to all of my kids. I was not shown affection and love and, as someone on the Autism Spectrum, I have trouble expressing myself and with things like touch. I tell my daughter, "I forget about hugs. Come to me when you want one." And I try to be good to her as often as I can remember.

I don't want my kids dealing with the same issues I did growing up. They deserve so much better.

There is much MUCH more to my story and domestic violence, but it's exhausted me and I can't continue tonight.

Please protect yourselves and your children. Don't go back to your abuser the way so many have done. You do not have the right to put your children in that position. If you go back to the abuser, you are an accomplice in the abuse he inflicts on the children.

If you're in a situation that is abusive, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline via their facebook page, their main website, or their phone number: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

There will be much more on this topic. There's more to say, more to share, more to dismantle.


**EDIT: The Husband is taking me for a drive. I need to get out of the house after today. The AC being out really messed me up and then I wrote this post, so I'm all kinds of a wreck right now. I'm glad I have him. He's good for me.

Mind Control & Thinking For Yourself

A reader named Janet commented on my last blog post.

She wrote the following in the comments:

... The WTS micromanages it's members. They aren't allowed to think because they shouldn't rely on their own understanding.


But one thing I feel about them is that there are people who seem to be happy being micromanaged. They have fear and the religion they chose soothed the fear for them. 

She's right. I've never been one to handle being told what to do. I need guidance on things, to be sure, my Asperger's Syndrome makes it difficult for me to deal with some things and my ADHD .... ppffft! Oh, look, a butterfly! LOL But I don't need or want to be micromanaged and told what to do and told I can't think for myself. My brain works just fine on it's own, thank you very much.

Proverbs 3:5 states: Trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. (New World Translation)

The Watchtower Society takes this to an extreme, making sure they drive this home over and over again. They say that people can't trust themselves to make good decisions, that they need to rely on god for that. Ok, if you believe in god, then that's not entirely outside the realm of normal for you. But it's not just about relying on god. They use words and phrases designed to make you think that you absolutely can not make a decision for yourself. From something so mundane as whether this is the right toothpaste for your family to more major decisions like, "Is this the best neighborhood?" I'm not even kidding. My mother prays over shit like that. She'll make a decision, then hem & haw and vacillate on the subject, changing her mind half a dozen times, and finally settling on something only AFTER she's prayed about it. And even then she will be indecisive.

When you hear something over and over again, you begin to believe it. If you're told you're fat, eventually you start to think, "Gee, maybe I am fat. I should change something." If a kid hears, "What are you? Stupid?!" constantly as they grow, they will grow into an adult that doubts their mental capabilities. (I speak from experience on that one.)

The same holds true for this scripture and it's interpretation. As long as you're told you're too stupid to think for yourself, you will eventually believe that.

As long as you allow someone else to make your decisions for you, the harder it is for you to make up your own damn mind over even the menial things.

Janet also noted that some people seem to enjoy being micromanaged. My mother is one of those. She seems to need someone else to think for her and this religion/cult fits the bill. She has always sought out situations where she does't have to think for herself. She married my father, an abusive, controlling, manipulative individual. Then she joined the JWs, an abusive, manipulating, controlling cult. So she had 2 aspects of her life controlling her and making her decisions for her. She left my father in mid 2011 and now claims she can serve Jehovah whole-heartedly.

Ok. Or she can allow only one controlling aspect of her life to keep fucking her up in the head. Whatever....

Personally, I choose not to live my life by someone else's standards. I have my own brain and it works just fine in the thinking & decision making department.

Birthdays and why JWs don't celebrate them

The Husband has a birthday coming up in a few weeks. Since it's his first, I've decided to have a party! I invited some friends over, as well as 2 of his former co-workers/friends from back in our JW days (they are not & have never been JW), and I plan to grill. It should be fun!

The JW logic for not celebrating birthdays is the following:

No proof that Jesus celebrated his birthday
No proof that the apostles or other early Christians celebrated their birthdays
The only 2 birthday celebrations mentioned in the bible involved murders (baker in the old testament and John the Baptist in the new testament)
Too much glory given to 1 person when we should owe all our glory to god
Scripture in old testament says the day of one's death is more important than the day of one's being born (logic for that is because one has made a name for him/herself by the time they die -- illogical if the death is a newborn)

Personally, the day my children were born are 3 of the best days of my life. Why shouldn't that be celebrated? Additionally, who is anyone to tell me what I can and can not do in my personal life???

I found a list of things JWs can't do. Number 78 states that they can't celebrate birthdays. The whole list is pretty informative, actually. Read through and click the links provided. You might find it enlightening.

 Some of the other things on that list are grey areas and some depend on the individual and whether they can think for themselves. (If they do, it's hush hush.)

Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips

I had a sudden craving for Salt & Vinegar chips the other day. I can't find them ANYWHERE in my city and it's a bit frustrating. I've looked at the gas station, Walmart, Walgreens, HEB (grocery), and wherever else I can think of that sells snack foods.

My dear friend & fellow blogger, Mom-Pinion, was so thoughtful! In order to assist me on this quest for insomnia-addled snacking, she shipped me 2 bags of Lay's Salt & Vinegar potato chips! *swoon* (Much thanks to her awesome hubby who went to the post office!)

You guys will die when you see how much she spent... The chips themselves were $5, total. Shipping brought it to $14. My eyes about fell out of my head. HAHAHHAHA!!!! And the US Postal Service wonders why it's not making money....

I once priced shipping on a small pizza from CT to TX. Over $50. That was 13 years ago. Needless to say, I did not get that pizza. :p

I am, however, getting those chips. And you know what? They better be the BEST fucking chips EVER!!!!! I'll be blogging in the wee, small hours of the night, munching away, and thinking of my girl! I know she's got my back!

Fuck You & Your Fucking Mind Controlling Cult

I keep thinking how my former "friend" is shunning me and how obnoxious that is. Who the fuck does anyone think they are?! The audacity to think that you're better than me simply because I changed my mind is just beyond anything I can comprehend.

If there is a God, isn't it up to Him who gets judged and how?

I'm gutted by this. I expect it, yes, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with and it doesn't make it right.

Have I been this way toward other ex-JWs in the past? Yes, I have. Know what I've done since I left? I've apologized to the ones I've shunned. Whether they forgive me or not is up to them, and if they give me the cold shoulder, then so be it. I understand.

I've been told (by a therapist) that I trust too much. Perhaps that's true. Why should I pour my heart and soul out to you if you don't appreciate it? If you turn your back on me? If you take advantage of me? If you abuse the privilege of hearing my most personal thoughts, opinions, and experiences? If you judge me for everything I've shared with you?

Time to build walls. Time to stop trusting so easily. Time for people like that to go. I don't need that drama in my life.

I want to text this former friend and ask her, "Blocked? Really? Awesome." But it's not worth my energy. It's not worth the mental drain. And it's not worth worrying about.

So I'll just say this:

Fuck. You. And the horse you rode in on.

Depression & Mania, Technology, and a Photo Shoot

I've had a few days of depression and then mania hit me again tonight. I invited 3 extra kids to sleep over, did the dishes, and then I cleaned out under the couch cushions. It didn't stop there... I proceeded to MOVE the love seat and clean out under it and then I vacuumed. I also have a load of sheets in the wash.

While I am manic tonight, I was depressed for the last 2-3 days. I'm guessing it was triggered by my "friend" shunning & blocking me. I slept a lot while I was depressed. The plus side to the depression is that my sleep pattern started to shift back to a more normal one. I did wake up in the night for about an hour. I hung out w/ The Roomie and discussed work & code and stuff like that. Then I was tired again. THAT is highly unusual. Usually, if I wake in the night, I'm wide awake and can't go back to sleep.

I fell asleep again around 5:30 in the morning and woke at 10. Sleep is still messed up, but at least it's improving.

Today I did some training for my new temp job. As stated in my profile (to the left), I'm an e-assistant. Today, I was learning how to download, re-size, and upload various images for the most popular, independently owned, entertainment site on the net right now. All of that stuff is pretty easy, it was just a matter of learning the process, uploading things where they're supposed to be, and moving on to the next item on the list. I rather enjoyed it, aside from technology issues.

Technology issues..... I wanted to punch a hole in my laptop today and then throw it out the fucking window. Ok, I grew up in a tech home. I married a tech guy. My jobs are both entertainment/technology related. I BLEED GEEK. Yet, somehow, technology does not like me. I swear, it knows exactly how to piss me off. Today, while trying to work on my job training, I couldn't make Ubuntu respond and open programs, I couldn't find certain programs I needed to use for said job training, and I couldn't find the damn file menu in one of the programs because it had disappeared.

I reiterate: I WANTED TO PUNCH MY FUCKING LAPTOP.

I had a photo shoot to go to for a couple of hours, so while I was gone, The Husband wiped Ubuntu and installed Windows XP. Meh, as long as it all works for me, I'm fine. I was getting used to Ubuntu, but I couldn't take the issue of it not responding, the slowness, the file menu disappearing, and not having a logical place to see what programs I have.

We'll see how it works for me to have Windows XP on here for now. I originally had Vista and that was a total system drain. Worse than Ubuntu. I'm not sure how another version of Windows will improve it, but we'll see.

I mentioned a photo shoot. I have a local photographer friend on my facebook that I met through a FB event for a nurse-in. Denny's (somewhere) had made an issue over a breastfeeding mother and so a bunch of other breastfeeding moms had gotten together to organize nurse-ins throughout the country. I met M through the FB page regarding this event in our city. Some months later, she was looking for models for her online gallery, specifically, children. I volunteered and she shot my kids. (Haaaa. With a camera, you sickos!) The images came out beautifully. She was quite patient, even when Thing 1 was being difficult. And she somehow managed to capture him in a way that you would never know he was being a pill that day. LOL

Today, she had some time to herself and wanted to take some pics, so she asked if anyone was available around 4. I volunteered again and met her downtown. We wandered around a little bit, looking for something to drink, and we came upon an event inside one of the buildings. We went inside to scope out the location of a small cafe or a water fountain. (We found a cafe.) While we were in there, though, the place was TEEMING with people and chatter and lights and noise and chaos and madness...... Totally overwhelming for me! I laughed when I told her, "Um, I have autism and this is freaking me out. So I'm just gonna stay close to you."

We found a decent place to shoot and we chatted & people watched a bit when we noticed some teenagers all dressed up in gold & black. It was a quinceañera and the young lady was wearing a gorgeous black & gold dress. Something had gotten on the front of it and we watched 2 teenaged boys helping her fix it. It was so sweet! M volunteered to take a couple pictures for the birthday girl and got her email addy. Hopefully, this will garner some business for M!

On my personal FB account, M posted a pic of me and I LOVE it! It came out beautifully! I wasn't sure how it would look, what with my purple hair, but it's good! I like it.

Shunned & blocked!

You guys remember my post about JWs and friendship? It's here: http://theratherunusual.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-was-asked-if-there-was-anything-i.html

I had that one JW friend who talks to me but her husband, who has been studying, told her to limit our interaction because I'm not spiritually encouraging. Remember, I never said anything negative to her about it. Not once.

Yesterday, on my personal facebook account, I inadvertently shared a link to my blog. I was logged in as myself, went to the November Amethyst fb page, and selected "Share" under a link to this blog. I had blocked several JWs from seeing the November account, so I (wrongfully) thought that they would not see that link on my personal fb because it came from the November fb account.

I was wrong. A couple of hours later, I thought it over some more and tried out some computery (yes, I made that new word) stuff w/ The Husband and it was realized that the only thing that blocking people from November's page does is remove the link back to November. That blog link still showed up on my wall.

Ok, to most, that's no big deal. But for me, it cost a "friend" and there may be further fall out from it. I have a handful of JWs still on my page and if I can maintain a civil/friendly relationship with them, I'd like that.

But if it doesn't work out, then such is life.

Anyway, I deleted the link from my personal page for the time being and went about my day. This morning, that one friend said on her fb that she was considering deactivating her account. Ok, whatever. A bit later, I realized she had disappeared from FB and assumed it was deactivated.

When I looked for a picture of the Mario Bros cake in my photos, I saw that she had commented on it, but her name was in black text. Typical for a block, but not for a deactivation (those just disappear). After some sleuthing, we found her fb account and her wall, where she posted:

I have decided to keep my account... I really do enjoy Facebook but I was receiving some VERY negative encouragement and have to do what's best for me & mine.

I'm thinking she saw the link to my blog and read some of it. She probably didn't like it. My guess is the whole "it's a cult" thing didn't sit right with her. JWs are taught that it's NOT a cult, but if the boot fits . . . (Thank you, Woody [Toy Story 2] for that awesome line!)

This is what happens when someone leaves the Jehovah's Witnesses and they aren't shy about their experiences or their opinion. They are labeled an apostate, mentally diseased, and shunned.

I could text her and see if she's ok. I could ask about her kids. I could ask if she's mailed me the stuff I forgot there or not. I could ask if she's still mailing my painting she did for me.

But I won't. It's not worth it.

If you're so willing to throw away a friendship because the person no longer shares your beliefs, then you have problems nothing can fix.

The Super Mario Bros birthday cake & The Husband's upcoming birthday

I found a picture of the birthday cake I made for The Roomie!

Last night, I realized it's The Husband's birthday on February 11! This will be his first birthday! I need to do it up right, the way I've done for The Roomie & the kids. :)

I asked him what kind of cake he wants, expecting that I'd be decorating something, but he just wants a basic German Chocolate Cake. I can do that. :)

Friendships, both in and out of the JW organization

Ok, I don't know what's up with my font issues. I didn't change anything, so this is really strange. Whatever. :p

I was asked if there was anything I missed about being a JW.

At this juncture in my life, I can't say that there is. On some level, I do miss the routine and there are people I miss, but I don't miss either of those things enough to go back to a place where the cons outweigh the benefits. I miss going to McDonald's on a Saturday morning for a break during the door-to-door ministry. But you know what? I'm much more relaxed not getting up at 7 AM on a weekend to go knock on strangers' doors, disrupt their peaceful morning, and talk to them about something they aren't interested in.

You might wonder how I can, seemingly, just walk away from a lifetime of friends?

It's not like that. These "friends" are only your friends for as long as you believe the same things they do and do what they do. The minute you start to think for yourself or do things they deem unchristian (tattoos, funky colored hair, piercings, that skirt that falls just above your knee, etc), you are marked as spiritually weak and people won't talk to you as easily as they once did. In more extreme cases, you're disfellowshipped and it's announced from the stage that So-and-so is no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Their logic in removing someone from the congregation is that "one bad apple spoils the bunch" and they don't want your influence to alter their idea of what it means to be living a godly life.

When they disfellowship you, you're still free to attend all the meetings, but you are NOT allowed to speak to anyone, nor are they allowed to speak to you.

I don't know about you guys, but I know I can still be a good person with piercings, a streak of green hair, and tattoos. And I know I was still a good person when I spent my Dec 25th doting on my kids and giving them presents.

The thing is, when you leave the Jehovah's Witnesses, you leave EVERYTHING you know, you lose everyone you've ever known. They treat you as dead because you have turned your back on what they view as the Only True God. They believe their religion is the truth (and that's what it's called, the truth) and that anyone who changes their mind is not worthy of their company.

So walking away from such a judgmental group is really the lesser of 2 evils, when you think about it. You're saving yourself from dealing with toxic people. They may be perfectly lovely people, but when you add in that they are taught to shun people who change their minds, it's a rather narrow view of the world.

Because I knew I would be marked/shunned for not believing in god anymore (yes, I'm atheist), I started the process on my own. It's much easier to cope if you do it your way instead of theirs. In my opinion, of course.

I blocked people from my personal facebook (and some from the account for this blog) and told others, "I'm not going to meetings anymore and this is why." I gave a very perfunctory answer, knowing they wouldn't want to hear the real reasons behind my choice to leave, and left the ball in their court. One friend chose to drop us completely, another talks to us but I can hear a slight undercurrent of sadness that we left, and a 3rd talks to us but recently informed me that her husband, who has been studying to be a JW, too, told her I'm not spiritually encouraging to her so she should not talk to me as much. Never mind that I have NEVER shared my views with her, aside from the perfunctory, "I just don't believe it to be true and I greatly disagree w/ the disfellowshipping thing." Never mind that she has countless other non-JW friends that she talks to, emails, and texts. Never mind that we've been VERY close in the years we've known each other. Never mind that we've both walked practically parallel paths in life and therefore have much more in common than what meets the eye. No. Because I'm no longer a JW, I'm not good enough.

Through this, I've been able to come out to my other, non-JW, friends about no longer being a JW and have received nothing but support and encouragement for my choice to live life MY WAY and to think for myself, instead of being told what to do all the time. They're proud of me and that makes me happy because it shows me I've made the right choice for myself and my family.

Odd thought: While typing that, I sat here and doubted myself. Like, what would Jehovah think of that? What if I'm wrong? What if JWs are right?

That is how deeply brainwashed one becomes as a JW. It's insidious.

Back to my new friends... These new friends who are so supportive have come from every walk of life and they don't judge me by what I do or how I look or what I'm wearing. They accept me for me. Not for how many hours I talked about the Watchtower Org, or how many times I went to religious services this week, or what I'm wearing today.

Prior to becoming a JW, I wasn't very close with any of these people, since JWs are taught that to be friends w/ "the world" (someone not a JW) is enmity (fighting) with god. Because of the internet, however, and my penchant for researching the crap out of stuff, I found myself on various internet forums and forming friendships with people that way. I've done that since 1996. While it's social suicide to leave, I found it to be not entirely isolating because I'd made connections with people over the years, albeit online. Some of those online friends have been local, though, and that was key to leaving the JWs without too much emotional scarring. Having someone in real life to talk to and hang out with is critical.

The Roomie did not have the support system I do. When he left, it was alone, and only after he was out did he look to develop relationships with other ex-JWs. I'll get into his story tomorrow or later today.

For moms of sons

This was seen on my personal FB account by Thing 1's first grade teacher, the one who made such a positive impact on his life. I thought it was beautiful and I wanted to share it with you guys.

A lot of this advice holds true for girls, too, but I just really liked the idea of having something about sons. There's tons of positive stuff out there about daughters and I'll probably post something in the next day or so. Today, it's about my boys. 

http://studerteam.blogspot.com/2011/11/25-rules-for-mothers-of-sons.html?m=1

I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I did.

Unschooling, Asperger's Syndrome, and how we arrived at *this* point

I've been asked to blog about Thing 1's education. I'll start from the beginning.

Thing 1 is 11 years old and has diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome. He was diagnosed at age 7, though I saw signs long before then. His Early Intervention (EI) case worker told me he was too young to be diagnosed at age 2.5-3. I now know this to be untrue, but I didn't know that at the time.

Thing 1 started kindergarten at age 5. His teacher's previous job was as a juvenile probation officer. If you want a career change, go for it. But you need to be aware that a room full of 5 year old are not to be viewed and treated as little criminals-in-the-making and it would serve you well to remember what sort of behavior is typical for that age group, whatever their diagnosis, or lack thereof.

He had endless problems w/ his teacher and the principal. Within the first few weeks of school, Thing 1 was spending much of his day in the office, I was getting notes home, his teacher was accusing him of lying, and he was miserable. The principal would call me from her cell phone and tell me what a horrible day he had and said he was a child with behavior problems. When I requested an evaluation, in writing, I was denied. This is against the law. Another thing I now know, but was not fully aware of at the time.

In December 2005, he had a bathroom accident at school that required a change of clothes & an immediate shower. I met The Husband at school and I walked in to take care of the issue. When I entered the lobby, Thing 1 was standing outside the office, in the lobby, on pieces of paper so the floor wouldn't get dirty.

He was not in the nurse's office because she was out sick with the flu.

The principal did not open the nurse's office.

When I asked to take him to a restroom to help him clean up and get into clean clothes so we could get him home and showered, I was told that there was not a restroom available, it wasn't sanitary, and the nurse wasn't in so I was not allowed to utilize her restroom, either.

I demanded to know whose idea it was to put him out on paper in the lobby (I used the phrase "like a dog") and was FURIOUS that he was humiliated in such a way. Classes of children passed by and saw him during his time there. I was not given an answer as to who decided to have him stand in the lobby and the principal was curiously absent during my questioning, only showing up towards the end of the incident.

We took him home to shower, but first, we had to find something for him to sit on so the seat of our vehicle wouldn't be dirtied. The waste had dried to his skin and when The Husband helped him wash it off, his skin was red underneath. His clothing & shoes were ruined. Under typical circumstances, I'd just have washed things and it would have been fine, but I was so incensed at the way he was treated, I didn't even feel like bothering.

I scheduled to meet with the superintendent over the matter, but due to bronchitis, it was a good 6 weeks before I could.

This happened a week or so before Christmas Break and the superintendent had a full schedule, so in addition to the bronchitis, I wasn't able to address it in a more timely manner. The Husband and I discussed home schooling him but never acted on it. I kept hoping things would improve.

At one point, his teacher threatened to have him dealt with by the campus police officer, who, incidentally, was her husband.

His behavior that prompted this were the following: lying (according to her), not putting a feather back on the ground from the playground (instead of bringing it in to school), running in the classroom.

That was it. Those were his only offenses.

His teacher was pregnant and when Christmas Break rolled around, she chose to begin her maternity leave.

I talked it over w/ my husband and we decided to see if Thing 1's experience improved during his regular teacher's maternity leave, when he had a different teacher.

Not surprising to me, his school experience WAS better. He received no notes home, he wasn't going to the office, and his sub LOVED him.

Finally, The Husband and I were able to talk with the superintendent. We made our displeasure w/ the incident known and I took the opportunity to discuss w/ the superintendent Thing 1's experiences with his primary teacher & his substitute teacher. I made certain the superintendent was fully aware of the fact that Thing 1's experiences were polar opposites.

In that meeting, I was told that Thing 1 DID have problems with the substitute and they just couldn't understand why we weren't informed. Why, he'd punched a child!

We never received notice of this alleged assault until I complained about his regular teacher and praised the substitute.

The 2nd week in March, his regular teacher returned and, within 3 days, he was in the office again. When I spoke with the principal, I asked to have him changed to a different class and was told NO because the classes were all full. By the end of the 2nd week and at least 3 more office visits and various notes home, I decided to home school him.

I bought some work books for him and we did educational stuff at home.

Choosing to home school in Texas is ridiculously easy. You have the right to choose HOW you school and you are under no obligation to prove anything to ANYONE. The process is easy, too. Just fill out a form stating your desire to home school and you're done. For middle school, I had to have certain staff members sign things to prove he returned the library books he had out, his lunch account was closed, etc. It was very easy.

So we finished his kindergarten year home schooling and then we moved over the summer. He started first grade in public school, in our current city, and he did wonderfully. His teacher was a gem and really worked well with him & with us. We remain on good terms and I credit her influence for changing his school experience in a positive way. (BIG thanks, A.S.B.! You rock!!!)

It was during his first grade year that Thing 1 was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.

Thing 1 is in 6th grade, now, and home schooling again. This time, because of being punched and choked by 2 other students, his teachers did not communicate effectively with me (I never got any replies from them about anything --11 staff members, numerous phone calls, and 3 emails), and it took an obscene amount of time to begin an IEP for him, despite requesting a new one *before* school began. If the IEP and communication issues had been it, we could have worked with it. But when he came home one Monday night and told me he was choked in the bathroom and punched at lunch, I was done dealing with that school. It was no longer a safe learning environment for him and I was not going to put him through that.

I've purchased 2 different home schooling books for Thing 1, as well as a regular book that I just view as educational and pretty neat! We don't work from these books very often, though. He's more of a hands-on type of learner. He spends a lot of time playing video games, but we do spend time educating ourselves. When you home school, in whatever manner, it doesn't take the whole day to get things done. Just a few hours does it, and you can do that by spending a few minutes here and there throughout the day or sitting down and doing it all at once.

With unschooling, the concept is to let the child learn what's needed at his/her own pace. I like that concept and we do follow that, to a degree, but I also like to suggest things to look into.

Recently, we read part of Poe's 'The Raven', we spend time discussing various topics that we google or Wiki, and one of our science experiments was watching celery in colored water to see how plants get their nutrients.

We'll likely finish The Raven soon and discuss whatever else comes to mind, googling and wiki'ing as we go.

During Thing 2's first grade year, her anxiety was unbearable for her to the point that I had to home school her, as well, but Thing 1 was in public school. Thing 2 was able to attend public school again beginning in her 2nd grade year and has continued to have success. She is in 4th grade.

A lot of people don't think a kid really LEARNS this way, but it hasn't done my kids a disservice and I can't say I'm a huge fan of the current model of teaching & public school, anyway. The way public school works only serves to force kids into conformity and the real world doesn't quite work that way. We're in an era where the work force is a much more relaxed atmosphere and kids are far less likely to grow up and work factory jobs and far more likely to grow up and be engineers and inventors and scientists and just more creative. How does sitting behind a desk for 8 hours a day help their creativity and imagination flow? It doesn't. It crams you into a little box that you probably don't fit in.

Montessori education and Waldorf education are both models that buck the traditional sense of school. I think both have their benefits, but we are not in a position to pursue either method for any of our kids. Maybe one day we will, but that day is not today.

I have to be honest: I do worry that Thing 1 is not getting the education he needs. That's why I have the work books and why we read through them and do things from them sometimes.

So there you go, our unschooling/home schooling journey. Feel free to ask for more info. I'll be glad to answer in the comments. :)

EDIT: In the next couple of months, we will go through another schooling change. We will be moving back to our former area of the city where Thing 2 will attend her first elementary school and see wonderful teachers like A.S.B. and where Thing 1 will attend a nearby middle school (as someone with Asperger's, routine is very important to him) and see many familiar faces. Both kids are looking forward to this, as am I, because I know the elementary school staff and I know that my kids are important there. I imagine the middle school will be similar.

Mania, insomnia, and how it feels to stay up all night

I was asked to blog about my up-all-night-ness, so here it is.

Mania hit me over the holiday weekend but it didn't register until yesterday. Last night, I was busy blogging and The Husband kept asking me to watch a movie or a TV show with him. I said yes, and I meant it, but I was so focused on writing my blogs, that it kept getting later and later. We didn't settle in to watch TV until after 10:30. And then we stayed up till 12:30 watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.

I told him before we started the TV that I had mania and I would be up a few hours. And up I was. I managed to sweep the floors, mop them all on my hands & knees with a bucket of cleaning solution & a washcloth, take down the Christmas tree, clean the living room (minus vacuuming because it's too loud at night), and clean the kitchen. Since The Roomie has a flip-flopped sleep schedule for now, we chatted all night. He paced while I cleaned and we talked about how we left the JWs and how he ended up moving in with us. (Perhaps I'll tell that story later.)

When I don't sleep, I feel wide awake, no hint of drowsiness or sleepiness in any way, and I can tackle ANYTHING. A mania does not always come with insomnia, often they are separate. But last night, it was coupled. Around 5 AM I did start getting sleepy, but I had to be awake at 6 AM to get Thing 2 off to school, so I just stayed up. After she went to school, I made eggs & sausage for everyone's breakfast, and puttered around the house a bit before settling in to blog.

When the sleeplessness finally starts to change, I start to feel tired physically, even though my brain is still going a mile a minute. I'm listening to whoever is talking to me, but it's not quite registering. My body starts to burn and the fibro starts to remind me that it's there (like I could forget).  The burning is under my skin, in the muscles, and inside my stomach muscles. It's really weird and kind of difficult to articulate and describe.

It's currently 15 minutes until 11 AM and I feel stiffness, burning, and aching in my muscles, pain in some of my joints (I may have arthritic issues, too, due to my psoriasis, which can cause psoriatic arthritis), tiredness, but still no brain shutting down, no quieting of my thoughts. I'm still thinking. So, since I'm still thinking, I do stuff.

I'll probably go through much of the day feeling this way and I may crash in the next few hours, but I kind of hope I don't because I really need my sleep schedule to adjust. I don't know of a better way to do that other than starting with a night & day of sleep deprivation and then going to bed around 10 or 11 the following night.

Right now, another issue I have when I've had a night of mania or insomnia, is that I'm terribly on edge. Thing 3 woke up around 6:30, so he's crabby due to being overtired. Thing 1, my aspie, is home schooled (very loosely, more like unschooling, please google that if you're unfamiliar with the concept) and he likes to go around yelling and making random noise and he can also be belligerent and cranky if things don't go the way he expects them to go.

So I have a crabby, whining Thing 3 and a crabby, moody Thing 1 and I'm overstimulated and overtired. LOVELY combination!

Oh yeah: Thing 1, Thing 3, and I are NOT morning people. It takes a good hour or 2 for us to become functional people. The Roomie is the same way. We all (including Thing 3, at age 4) require coffee to function.

Thing 2 and The Husband take only a few minutes to adjust to morning. And they don't require coffee.




An additional note:


I got to thinking about how The Husband reacts to me being awake all night.

Not well.

He doesn't understand that this isn't something I can just change with the flip of a switch. He also doesn't understand my Aspieness, though he has made great strides in that regard and I'm proud of him for that.

When I'm awake at night, he can't sleep, either. He wakes up every few hours, grumbles about me not being in bed, and either sits up with me or sleeps on the couch. He just doesn't understand that it's not something I can fix. If I take OTC sleep aids, I'm completely asleep and/or a non-functional and useless zombie for a good 12-24 hours. No joke.

So I stay awake. And so does he, many nights, affecting the following day for both of us.

I'm on FaceBook!

I made a FaceBook account! Feel free to add me. You'll see links to my new blog posts there. Be aware: I do swear. I even drop the F-bomb. No apologies, no regrets.

http://www.facebook.com/novamethyst

Looking forward to having you join me!

Crafty Post! And more about living...

Nothing at all to do with having been a JW. This is just a post for fun. <----- Not true. I ended up getting carried away and sharing more of my journey with you!

A FB friend posted a pic of a blanket someone made her. Inspired, I decided to make the same kind of blanket for my loved ones for this coming Christmas. I realize it's a year away, but I have 7 adults and 9 children to make blankets for, and that's just my immediate family. It will be relatively easy, no sewing involved, and they will be useful. I love that. Having something *useful* is important to me.

I wish I had my sewing machine (which is in storage in Appalachia) because I could be designing and sewing much more than no-sew fleece blankets, but I'm still excited about the blankets. And I have enough time to make them all, if I get started soon.

For the crafty among us, all I'll do is have equal sized sections of fleece, laid flat together, cut strips into both pieces at equal intervals, then knot the 2 layers together. Piece of cake.

I need to decide what size to make them all. I could make 9 twin-size blankets for the kids beds, and then a queen or king size to go on the adults beds, which would mean everyone gets a new blanket/bedspread, or I could make them all small enough to use as a throw blanket to use while you're watching TV. Decisions, decisions.

My list of who I give gifts to is limited to my husband & children, The Roomie, my siblings, & my nieces & nephews. Those are who I consider to be my "immediate family." I would love to branch out and give things to my aunts & uncles and my cousins and my grandparents, but my extended family is large on both sides and I would go flat broke in minutes. LOL But I'll definitely be doing something for my grandparents.

Well, ok, I said this was just going to be a crafty post, but it's inspired me to tell you about my phone call to my grandma on Christmas Day.

My grandma has never heard me wish her a Merry Christmas. I was 3 the last time I celebrated, so I don't remember much about it. I remember that day, to be sure, vividly, but I was too young to be involved in any other capacity.

In Christmas Day I phoned my grandma, over 2000 miles away, and I told her, "Merry Christmas, Grandma." That was it. So simple, and something so many just take for granted, but for me, it was a HUGE step toward living my life. She wished me a Merry Christmas, as well, and even though she was reserved in her manner, as is her way, I know it was a big moment for her, too.

A nifty new blog to follow!

If you want more info on JWs and how we manage to live our lives after leaving, please check out the following:

http://lilstitchexjw.tumblr.com/

The first blog post about what an apostate REALLY is, both in the true definition and how it's defined within the JW organization, is OUTSTANDING and I greatly appreciate the opportunity to share it on my blog. Thank you, Lil' Stitch!

Happy New Year!!!!!

We celebrated our first New Year last night! It was great! There were fireworks going off in every direction, within city limits, which was surprising, and it was AMAZING. The Roomie went out on the balcony to watch the festivities and The Husband & I joined him soon after.

I popped my head inside for a moment to check the countdown to midnight and The Husband followed me in. He planted a kiss on me that was just the perfect start to a new year. :) In that moment, I knew everything would be right in the world. Everything would go in our favor for the rest of the year.

I KNOW things will go well for us this year. Call it karma, call it destined, call it optimism, call it whatever you want, but I know things will go in our favor.
 

As JWs, we were taught that there was no point in trying to gain wealth, further our education, or improve our status in this world because a) we can't take it with us to paradise, b) furthering one's education is a "worldly" endeavor, and c) we should do all things for god's glory and it's all vanity. It's pointless.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, because my family has this mentality that we shouldn't make money or improve our station in life, we have no health insurance, we struggle financially, constantly buying things we need as soon as we get a check in the mail because OMG WE MAY NOT GET MONEY AGAIN FOR A LONG TIME!!!!!!

It's a terribly stressful way to live.

In addition to creating video games and programming, The Roomie is also a business consultant. He's working with The Husband to improve our financial status, so we'll be following his advice and doing whatever he tells us to do.

I expect that The Roomie's help will be great for us. Even though he was also a JW, he does not aspire to the same belief system that we did, which is great. The more a person thinks for themselves, the better off they are.